Missive from an Ingrate

I've damage to repair this year, troubles to address.  I've been sick and in bed all week, so I have had plenty of time to think.  Not that I have, really, but the under-mind has been working on things all this time.  Relentless.  I've been feeding it a steady diet.  I've read two books and watched countless hours of movies. My favorite has been HBO's "Boardwalk Empire."  It is dark and bold and reminds me of "Deadwood" in it's themes.  It has beautiful women being exploited and promoted, brutalized and saved, by very ugly men. Always a good combination.  Everyone's corrupt.  And, of course, it reminds me of the troubles in our own times.  Al Queda is our modern version.  One day, it will make a hell of a series.  I hope I'm around to see it.  I think it won't be possible, though, until we get a modern day version of Elliot Ness, some tough good-guy figure, someone who is potentially as interesting as the bad guys.

So I keep thinking about how to proceed this coming year.  Should I seek more conventional solutions to my dilemmas or should I become evermore the outsider?  So far, neither has appealed to me much.  There must be another way.

The holidays bring out the conventional in some and distaste for such in others.  To date, I have been appalled by the former.  I read blogs.  I am fascinated by the inner workings of the people they reveal.  For instance, I've watched one successful photographer go through a series of transformations.  He's bought a house, had a nutritional come-to-jesus, lost weight, and become thankful for his life.  He is one of those conservative liberals who is melchizedec in his beliefs.  My friend posted his thankfulness for the richness of his life yesterday.  All this thankfulness puts me off, both the "Look at me," and the "me, too" varieties.  Joy I can take, but thankful happiness is a convention that has worn me out.  I know, I know. . . it is the season to be thankful.  But I think to myself, "Show some restraint."  It is worse than flaunting money, and when you aren't rich, it is merely gaudy.  All this bowing to perceived fortunes is bound to produce emotional and spiritual criminals.

Perhaps I should quit watching "Boardwalk Empire" in my diseased state.

I'm certain that this is not the topic I should be considering here in the cold darkness sitting alone like a sentry waiting for dawn.  It is a mistake, and I will surely regret it.  The temperature is below freezing, an oddity here, something of which to take notice.  This and my illness keeps me in place, confined to my heated space.  I will go back to bed in a little while, after sunrise, and when I get up, I may feel differently.  If I do, perhaps I'll delete this entry.  Or maybe I'll simply write a rejoinder on top of it.

Don't get me wrong, though.  I am thankful.