A. O.K.

Looks like I might be around another year if I don't hurt myself.  My trip to the doc to see the results of my blood tests was A-OK.  I found out I'm allergic to cats, oak pollen, dust mites, and some other pollen I can't remember.  Everything else was fine--including my blood pressure which astounded me.  The first reading was perfect.  The second just slightly higher.  Even my liver functions were O.K.  The doc was pleased and told me, "I'll see you in three months."

"Three months?  A year."

"I like to see my blood pressure patients every three months."

"Six." 

"Four to six."  

Checking out I said, "She wants to see me back in six months."

"Four to six."

"Yes.  Six."

Afterwards, I went to the gym where I did my new hardly working out routine.  I'm accepting that my brute days are behind me.  So I announced to all.  

"You don't need to push heavy weights. . . ." everybody said.  We all knew it was bullshit and that I would soon be in the other part of the gym doing chair yoga.  If I am lucky.  

I dallied at the gym, for I had another doctor's appointment at 1:30.  I don't want to tell you about this one, but it, too, was surprising.  When they took my blood pressure, I was sure it was going to be high, but once again, it was normal.  I haven't had normal blood pressure for years.  I'll take it. I won't check my blood pressure again until they make me.  

It might be because I have dropped a few pounds.  I haven't tried, and that is one of the reasons I've been worried.  It could be the stress of caregiving people say.  I had told my primary care doctor that it was stressing me, and she said, "I can tell."  

That wasn't encouraging.  

All in all, the day was a surprise.  It could have been much worse.  

Now I just have to worry about my bones--knees, hips, and spine.  

Oh. . . here was a surprise.  I told my primary doc that I had gotten an MRI and that the pain doc asked if I wanted anything for pain. I told him no, that I had some.  Oh. . . I've told you that already.  But when I told my primary I had only taken them a few times to help me sleep, she said, "Take them when you go to bed. They aren't going to hurt you."

What?  That's great news.  It is what I have always thought--opiates are less harmful than over the counter pain meds.  Those fuck up your organs.  Opioids only constipate you.  

Opioids-the new One-A-Day!

Don't worry about me, kids.  I'm not like that.  

It is election day.  So I'm reminded every hour or less by text messaging.  I have been bombarded with campaign messages for weeks.  This is the new robocall, and it should be illegal.  I can't figure out any way to block them.  But today we vote, and maybe in a few months we will be able to declare winners.  It is sure to be a shit show.  We have become a dysfunctional nation.  Divided we fall.  With liberty and justice problematic.  We've learned how to deconstruct all of that.  

I, of course, watch the liberal press, and last night they were giving the majority of time to "my side."  Oh, what a bunch of goonies "we" are.  "My side" is made up of "communities."  There is the Black Community, the LBGTetc. Community.  They call it "The Big Tent," but they left out "Circus."  In a nation where it is The Fascist vs. The Woke, all one can do is lament.  

"It doesn't matter who wins tomorrow," I hear rational people say.  "We're fucked.  You can choose dry or lubricated."  

But here's what I think. If you are poor, you are going to vote for those who say they will get you money.  If you are rich, you will vote for those who say they will keep you rich. If you don't have a chicken, you'll vote for the one who will promise you chickens.  If you need a home. . . etc.  All in all, the Big Picture is difficult to digest.  If you need bread. . . . 

But neither party, as far as I can see, have offered any concrete ideas on how they will solve any problem at all.  They are focused on telling people how bad their opponent is.  A fellow I know is running for a seat in the House. He is the mayor of a nearby town and a really nice fellow.  I can't wait to see him again so I can admit, "Jesus, fellow. . . I never knew you were a pedophile!"  I think that was the ad his opponent ran. Not that he was a pedo, just that he would legislate for them and for murderers and thieves.  It was shocking stuff.  It seemed lawsuit worthy to me.  

And so. . . .

Last night, my mother declined to watch another of the Viet Nam travelogues.  I was fairly shocked.  I've been thinking that is an easy place for us to go.  When I give her back the t.v., she goes right to NewsMax.  It confounds me.  

I'm ready for a massage and a facial.  

Here.  I can't make up my mind.  

My mother is up and silently wandering.  That doesn't bode well.  I can only hope to guess what the day will bring.  Clouds and rain fore sure.  Tonight, I'll make pho.  And we'll eat it watching. . . whatever my mother wants.  

Hold on to your britches.  It is sure to get weird.  

Anxiety and Mania

I was rather excited and happy yesterday.  This morning, I can't quite get hold of myself.  This radical mood swing has several components and moving parts.  Perhaps I should tell it in chronological order as I am too flighty right now to think cleverly.  I'm locked into survival mode.  

Mom seemed to be doing fine on the first day of November.  The time change hadn't really played a role in our lives on a Sunday.  We did what we do and I turned back the one analog clock in the house by an hour.  I made a small breakfast of hard boiled eggs and sliced Kiwi fruit and dallied a bit before going back to my own home to see if it had been "tricked" on Halloween,

All was fine.  It was just before noon, and I had no plans to walk or exercise.  I wanted to go to the coffee house and to the cafe thinking to make some photos.  But first, I put a load of towels and wash cloths into the laundry and went to the computer to. . . oh, I forget to what. . . but there I went into research mode.  I'd been looking at the new photo book I had gotten, the prints by Reig, and I had an idea. I wanted to see if I could do it.  I knew I could, for I had done it in the past, but as things go, I'd given up the project and had moved on.  

I checked my email first and had another message confirming I would be among the first to receive the new peel apart instant film to try out.  Gratis.  I was buoyed by the news.  

My handwriting is anything but enviable.  Worse than that.  When I was in elementary school, my grades were top hole except in "handwriting."  I think that is how they labelled it.  I consistently received Cs and Ds there.  If they gave grades for coloring, I would have done just as poorly.  I've never tried to figure out why, but believe that I am simply impatient.  I am not good at taking my time.  I am not slow and careful.  I've realized lately that has been a problem for me in many things.  I tell myself, though, that I make up for it with the genius of spontaneity.   My thinking is nimble and quick.  And so I succor myself with that.  

As I said, I had an idea, so I went to Chat to ask it to produce some handwritten script for me in Italian that I could use as a palimpsest layer with my images.  It produced something lovely, so I took it into Photoshop and layered it with this photo.  I played around with it, fading it in places, playing with the opacity.  I went back to Chat with the results and asked for other things as well.  I experimented and the day wore on, but lo and behold, I had a working model for what I might want to do as a project.  I sent the result to my Miami friend to get permission to use this as advertisement for what I was projecting to do.  I asked if I could shop it around.  She wrote back, "Of course!"  

I had ordered some Japanese Kozo paper for the inkjet printer and was anxious to see how this would look.  Holy smokes, kids, it looks better on paper than it does on the screen.  It is a true beauty.  A real knockout.  I sent the image around to some friends to see if I was crazy or if it would hold their interests.  They liked it, but you never know what is real and what is just polite.  

This is just a mock up of sorts, though, for I researched further how to manipulate the print, and much of what I will do with the final product is physical manipulation.  I still have a lot of experimenting to do, but it is the first time I've felt like going down the rabbit hole with experimenting for a long while.  Between this and the peel apart film, I'm fairly jacked.  

But this is where the time change got me.  I'd forgotten about it and had been looking at the time on my computer screen, not thinking.  When I went to put the towels in the dryer, I looked at the analog clock.  It was getting dark outside and the skies had opened up.  The sky was black and the rain torrential.  I had planned on making pho for dinner, but time had gotten away from me, so I called my mother to see if she would eat chicken and salad from the Greek place. 

No answer.  Worse.  "This number is not taking calls at the time." 

I packed up to go, but getting from the door to the car was impossible.  I would get soaked.  I waited a bit for the rain to let up, but there was no let up.  I threw things into a garbage bag and braved the storm.  

I was wet from head to toe.  Driving was dangerous, but being Sunday night, the traffic was light.  I followed another car through flooded streets watching the rooster tales it threw up, slowing down where the water was deepest.  

I got wet again going into the Greek place.  And coming out.  

Traffic was irritatingly slow going back to my mother's, cars in two lanes riding slowly side by side.  They were making things dangerous with their constant tapping of the brakes.  Once again, I lost faith in human intelligence.  It happens. 

I set the table for dinner and turned the television to football--the Broncos and the Chiefs.  The food and the game were both good.  Kansas lost on the last play of the game.  

I was thinking about my doctors appointments as I prepared for bed.  I get my blood test results today.  They will take my blood pressure again and once more it will be high.  What to do?  I had not had a cocktail before dinner and had only wine with my meal and then an after dinner scotch.  Maybe another.  Then I made chamomile tea that I drank for the rest of the night.  But I needed to have a good night's rest.  My neck was still jacked.  I had to make a decision--Tylenol and Advil PM.  It would do my bp no good, but. . . . 

I woke a couple times in the night, the last time just before I got up at six.  The rain had continued all night.  There were flood warnings.  When I woke for the last time, I was in the middle of a terrible nightmare.  It is too weird to explain, but it seemed that I had been having this dream for a long time, maybe for many nights.  Human aliens were trying to kill me.   Yea, but it seemed so very terribly real.  

When I got out of bed, I was sure my blood pressure was through the roof.  The rain continued coming down hard.  I'd been worried about this, for I no longer have a raincoat.  I have to park far from the entrance to the medical building, and if it were to be raining, I would go in soaking wet.  Anxiety is one of my constant companions.  If I don't worry, things get worse.  

And that is where I am now as I write this post.  I can't get hold of myself, can't calm down.  I am not looking forward to this visit with the doctor shortly.  

Disaster thinking.  The news all 'round will be bad.  Have I told you about my cowardice?  

I will not be able to get excited about the project again until I find out what the doc will tell me today.  If the news is not terrible, here is my plan.  I like Reig's work, but he is not a great photographer.  Maybe I am not so hot myself, but I believe I can better him.  I will put together a little portfolio that I can show people.  I will look for the most interesting faces I can find and tell them I want to make pictures with them that will look like this.  Surely they will be beating down my door work with me, right?  

Maybe.  I sometimes get a bit manic about things.  Maybe I'm wrong about this image.  Maybe it is too kitschy for some people.  Maybe it just looks silly.  Maybe people won't respond to it at all.  

But that is not on my mind this morning.  I need to stop my heart's racing and my hands' shaking.  It will be alright.  It will be fine.  

The rain is to continue, they say, for several days.  My moods are tied to weather.  They have been even before my garage apartment was destroyed by Hurricane Floyd.  I'm a blue sky kind of fellow.  Soft rain sits well with my melancholy.  But hard rains and heavy storms bring out the disaster thinking in me.  I am imaginative when it comes to doom and gloom.  

And so, now I must go and try to prepare myself for whatever comes.  I've climbed glaciated mountains over 19,000 feet.  I've survived in avalanches and lightning strikes in total white outs.  I've rafted down primitive white water rivers that had been the death of others.  I've been scared on multi-pitched rock climbs when our repel rope was stuck on rock shards high above us as the sun was sinking.  I've been sick in the Amazon sleeping with natives in the jungle.  Yup.  I've done all that and more.  You would think I could handle a trip to the doctor.  If you did, however, you'd be wrong.  I did all of that, I now believe, trying to prove to myself that I wasn't the coward I now contend I am.  I think everything I've done has been an effort to overcome it.  

I'm nothing if not confessional.  My ex-wife told me it was a terrible flaw. 

Still, I'll fight you if I have to, so don't fuck with me.  

Please. 

No music today.  Rather, I'll leave you with more of that silent travel stuff.  You don't have to watch, of course, but man, the creative objects in Viet Nam are inspirational.  Talk about palimpsest.  English, French, and Vietnamese over the centuries making the most visually interesting things I've seen.  I will incorporate some of what I see here into my project, I think.  

If there really is to be one.  

Oh. . . that image will not look like anything on your phone.  You must see the fine details on a larger screen.  I plan to print the pictures big, at least 24" on the small side.  Just saying.  

November

I feel I have so much to say today that I don't know where to begin, so I'll start here.  I stupidly sent this out to a lot of people yesterday.  It is just as stupid to post it here.  I've by and large given up texting people except in response, which means I am not texting much anymore.  But sometimes you get down and lonely, and you can rationalize doing something because you are forgiving.  

"Forgiving?  Who?  For what?"

You know. . . people for having lives and forgetting about mine.  WTF?  This is part confession.  I'm a confessor as well as a forgiver.  

I'm also a dumb fuck.  Some people felt it necessary to 👍 it.  Alright.  O.K.  I wonder if this one would have been better received?

I should have simply stayed the course and kept my head down.  It seemed innocent enough, but if you recall, I don't deal with rejection so very well which is why I have never asked anyone out on a first date.  

I sat with my phone in my lap as I got the candy into big bowls and sat out waiting for the kiddos to start showing up.  It was only 5:30 when the first family came, mom, dad, and three small children.  They had great costumes and were super sweet.  

And they were the best of the evening.  Shortly after, the crowd began to swell.  But this year, it wasn't the cute, sweet neighborhood kids and parents.  Nope.  Here's some commentary.  People have gone stupid over decorating for Halloween.  My mother's street becomes a theme park sometime in early October, and as someone puts up more decorations, the next has to outdo them.  But it is like advertisement, and the people who showed up last night were interlopers.  It was a whole different Halloween crowd this year.  Cultures collide.  At one point early in the evening, the neighbors came over to comment on what was obvious when a guy in a mask who must have been in his twenties came up the drive alone.  

"We're calling it a night."

"Me, too."

And so Halloween ended early for us this year.  And that was fine.  Neither my mother nor me/myself were feeling so festive this year.  

We had hot dogs and popcorn for dinner.  

Earlier in the day, I took the long walk to the golf course and back.  Just before I got to the golf course, I saw a fellow I've known for decades standing outside the small, funky apartment complex he owns.  Don't picture an apartment complex. It is a collection of five tile roofed funky place built around a garden courtyard.  Recently a For Sale sign has gone up.  He has been taking care of his mother as I have mine.  Sort of.  He lives in one apartment and his mother another.  His son has a third one.  My buddy's father and mother were married when the father passed away.  He owned a lot of valuable land with a partner who legally "stole" it from my friend's mother.  I only know this version of the story as told by my friend.  Here's the part I can verify, though.  His mother married a U.S. Senator who helped raise my buddy.  His mother outlived the Senator.  This time, she did alright.  

She died this St. Patrick's Day.  I suspected she had dies when I saw the For Sale sign on the property's lawn as my buddy said he would sell it when she died.

I stopped and talked to him for awhile . 

"Are you taking care of yourself?" he asked. 

"No."

Of course, he told me I needed to.  I was down in the dumps about my health, but it was good to talk to somebody who had an ear.  I told him about my physical ailments.  He's had them, too.  He'd had several surgeries on his neck and he's still working out and surfing.  It was simply good talking to someone, and when I said goodbye, I was feeling a little bit better.  Funny how that works.  

Returning home down the Boulevard, the sidewalk was packed with families in costume.  In the past, when the village was just that, the retailers would hand out candy to the kids who came by.  It was cute.  Now, though, the Boulevard was just an preview of what I was about to experience that night.  The Boulevard has become a destination for people from all over the tri-county area.  I bumped and jostled my way back home.  

Something very wrong has happened.  

Often, before a post, I have an idea of what I want to talk about, then I'll read the news and that idea is lost.  Today, however, it just fed what I had sort of planned.  From a small article in today's online NY Times:

On a recent afternoon, Lauren Leek stood on a typical London shopping street, in front of a Victorian-era pub and a predictable array of corporate-owned food, drink and retail outlets: Pret a Manger, Starbucks, Joe & the Juice, Subway.

“What we see in front of us used to be culturally diverse. Now it is culturally generic,” said Leek, a Dutch Australian data scientist who is an assistant professor at Leiden University in the Netherlands. “Most of what we see is the big chains we see everywhere,” she said. “It creates a sense of placelessness. We could be anywhere.”

In her view, "anywhere" is created by an algorithmic standardization.  She gives many examples of the effects of this on everything from restaurant menus to pop music.  She has tracked "the verbal richness of lyrics from over 4,000 songs in Billboard magazine’s Hot 100 hits from 1950 to 2015. Since the early 1960s, Leek found, the range of distinct words has contracted more than a quarter, while the number of repeated lines has increased nearly a third."

In her view, standardization means things get more stupidly alike.  

"Stupidly" is my addition.  

The article made me think of New York City when there were fewer chains and more individualized stores.  For a poor southern boy like me/myself, it was a like going to wonderland.  I returned every chance I got.  

Skip ahead.  Last night after closing up the Halloween shop, my mother and I ate hot dogs and popcorn, I turned the television on.  YouTube.  And this was the first things I chose.  

As I watched and listened, I thought about Q and Sky who moved to the city to live a good chunk of their youths there.  Not together, of course.  But I am envious.  They were brave and fortunate and they will each always have that.  Both moved away, as people do, when they decided to marry and have a child.  Once again, not to one another, but they each stopped at one.  

A few nights ago, I watched this interview with Jay McInerney.  His novel, "Bright Lights, Big City" was the seminal New York City book of the 1980s.  He and the rest of the Literary Brat Pack--Tama Janowitz, Bret Easton Ellis, and Donna Tart--became the young guns of the literary world, Tart receiving the largest advance of any author in publishing history for her novel "The Secret History."  

They were all twenty-something then.  

Don't watch this interview if you aren't familiar with McInerney. and the milieu.  It is long.  But if you do watch it, tell me--do you think he has really given up the cocaine?

When I first went to NYC, it was the city pictured in"Midnight Cowboy."  Q moved there in the 90s while it was still a Brat Pack place.  Sky went only a couple of years after we ushered in the new century.  

My mother left the room while the room while "Columbus and 89th" was playing, so I let the algorithm do it's thing for awhile.  A few songs later, "New Slang" by the Shins played (link) followed by the David Letterman Live version (link), and for deeply buried reasons, I began to weep.  

My mother came back into the room and wanted me to put on "a show."  We've been watching the new season of "The Diplomats" so I put that on.  It was he last episode of the season, and. . . I'm a mess. . . and once again, I got moist.  I'm always a fool for love.

And that my friends was my Halloween.  

Today we usher in the New Time.  It's gonna fuck you up for awhile, this switching of the clocks. My body is already confused.  I think I'll just chill the day away.

I don't look forward to tomorrow.  I have two doctors appointments, and neither is for my neck.  I'm sure my blood panels are going to be an issue, but I've decided to tell the doctor I want to live the rest of my life without being a patient.  I'll try to live with whatever I have as well as I can.  My hero days are done, I'm afraid.  There are things that I am going to have to accept.  

Then Tuesday.  I'm voting for impeachment, but I'm seriously afraid the liberal press has given us a lot of false hope again.  So are they, I think, as they have been trying to pull their punches these past few days.  Tenterhooks.  Pins and needles. 

I have more I want to report about consciousness and A.I. but I have rambled on far enough for today.  I need to make breakfast and get on with things as best I can.  It is supposed to be a rainy afternoon here.  So they say.  I think I'll make pho for dinner.  It will be dark when I do.  

I was inspired by this.  

You don't need to watch this, either.  It is long.  Maybe just watch it for a minute or two.  O.K.  November.  

Whatever the Fates Allow

I don't want to be the author of "The Bummer Show," and though I'm not certain how to proceed, I will give it a shot.  I was told that people who keep reading here do so to see what happens next.  I guess that is true of all reading even though we know how the story ultimately ends.  I'm sure I will struggle trying to find my footing here, but I'll try.  

You would think that after being up most of the night dealing with my mother, I would be able to sleep the next night.  That is what I thought.  But for a variety of reasons, that didn't work out.  I'm up in the dark on Halloween after an hour of reading the news trying to figure out what to say next.  I'll just do what I always do and see what comes out.  

I picked up my mother's Dilaudid in the afternoon and brought it back to her house, but I had to leave so I told her we would start it with her eight o'clock dose.  I needed to be there to watch her.  I had gotten a long lecture from the druggist at the pharmacy about how powerful this drug was and what the side effects could be.  When I got back to my mother's, I Googled Dilaudid vs Morphine.  I wasn't sure which was more powerful.  After reading about Dilaudid, I could only go, "Holy Smokes!"  Yup.  Next step, heroin.  

I didn't get out of my mother's house until two, so I told her that I was going to get sushi at five and would be back to fix her dinner at six.  I felt the need for a little break.  But eating sushi alone on a Friday night after what I've been going through didn't have the usual charm.  My neck and back hurt and my left hand was still numb.  The food was good, but I was not enjoying things the way I should.  

I was almost back to my mother's when she called.  She wanted me to know that the neighbors were going to take her down the street to look at the Halloween lights at six.  

What?

When I pulled into the garage, she was waiting on them.  She seemed her old self.  

When she came back, she said she wanted a drink.  

"You can't have alcohol with the Dilaudid," I told her.  "This is a very powerful drug, and I am going to have to watch you to make sure you don't have a bad reaction."

"I don't want to take it.  I'll just have the other one.  I want to have a whiskey."

That was fine with me, but what the fuck happened?  In the afternoon I'd had a talk with her about getting some help here in the house.  I wouldn't be able to stay with her twenty four hours a day and she would need someone around.  She was adamant about not wanting that.  

"I can take care of myself!"

I think the idea of people coming into her house made her forget about the pain on which she'd been focussed.  She spent the rest of the night as she has spent nights this past year.  

That is where I am today.  

I wished I was happier when I got word about some new instant film that is coming out soon.  I had written to the company who announced it telling them I was excited to see the film, and I provided them with a bit of my history with Polaroid films and the second and third generations of instant film after Polaroid shut down.  They asked to see examples of the work, so I sent them some.  Then I didn't hear back from them for a long time and I thought they just weren't impressed.  But yesterday, I received this:

Thank you for sharing your background and details with us.

If possible, could you please share the print of the Impossible Project with us? Additionally, please send us your mailing address and contact information so we can add you to our testing list.

Best

Ceci

In normal times, I would be ecstatic.  I'm still happy, but I really just feel worn out.  Everything in life just seems like more work now.  Still, I feel a little satisfaction that my old pictures are appreciated.  Very few people have actually seen the large prints I've made which, I think, are very impressive.  I've never had the chutzpah, I guess, to try to get a gallery show, so only you who come here and those who saw the one show at Gallery 591 long ago have even seen the digital versions.  The curator at 591 said that it was the most viewed exhibition they ever had.  

There's that.  

All of that is gone, I guess.  Over the years, I lost contact with everyone there.  And elsewhere.  I don't feel as though I exist anywhere anymore.  Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.  It's nobody's fault.  It's just the way things go.  

To follow up on my query from a couple days ago concerning the use of color vs. black and white in pictures, I'll post these two photos today.  Same picture but completely different.  The red lights in the coffeehouse lend a certain ambiance to the picture, but the black and white emphasizes the aloneness, I think.  I feel they are each spooky in their own way.  I am indecisive.  I can't choose. 

The sun is up now, and so is my mother.  I need to get her meds and feed her.  Tonight I will sit with her and pass out candy to the trick or treaters.  

And thus the holidays begin.  

Bad News

The news from here isn't very good right now, and though I said I was going to quit writing "the daily report," I'm going to today so that those of you who still come to read the blog will understand if the whole things goes wonky.  

My mother called the pain doctor yesterday while I was at the gym.  Then she called me to tell me that she had made an appointment for Friday at 8:30 to get a steroid injection in her spine. 

O.K. 

This morning at two a.m., she opened my bedroom door and told me we had to go.  She was dressed and ready.  I told her to go back to bed, but she was manic and wouldn't listen to me.  I had no real idea what to do since she would not let me go back to sleep.  I tried as hard as I could to tell her she was wrong but she just kept staring at a piece of paper on which she had written "8:30 Friday" and telling me we had to go right then.  What to do?  

I put her in the car and drove across town to the doctor's office to show her no one was there.  She said we were in the wrong place.  There was no making her understand.  After awhile, I got her back in the car and drove back to her house.  It was four a.m. when I got back to bed, but I couldn't go to sleep for a very long time.  I got back up at seven thirty and got her ready to go back to the doctor's office. She didn't remember what had happened in the night.  

When we got there, I found out that her appointment was for November 4th.  They would not be able to give her an injection today.  When the doctor came in to look at the MRI, things went south very quickly. Anything that could be wrong with a spine was wrong with hers.  He said that he didn't think the shot would do any good.  I asked what could be done, and he just shook his head.  It would require a hard surgery, he said, that would have her under anesthesia for a very long time which she probably couldn't survive.  It involved fusing the spine and something else.  He said he didn't think any surgeon would be willing to do it. 

"What do we do?" I asked.  

He just shook his head.  He said he could give her a stronger pain med, Dilaudid, but that would increase both her cognitive breakdown and her chances of falling, and, he said, if she has a fall now, it is over.  I said let's do the Dilaudid because my mother was in constant pain.  He said he'd do that and we could try the injection on the 4th, but he didn't have much hope that it would help. 

There was no good news.  Now I must make some big decisions.  I can't be here in the house twenty-four hours a day with her.   I'll need to make some arrangements.  But everything at this point is headed in the wrong direction.  

I won't report on my own failing health except to say just that doing this alone for so very long has had a profoundly negative effect.  That nothing lasts forever is ok in the abstract, but when the reality takes hold, it is another thing altogether.  

My mother heard it all.  I can't imagine what is going through her thoughts just now.  There is nothing to be done.  When we got back to her house, she went to bed.  

There is to be no joy, I think, this holiday season. 

Crossroads

I believe I've come to a sad crossroads.  My life is of no interest to anyone including myself, and my opinions about things. . . well, we all know about opinions.  The result is that my writing is of no consequence.  Was it ever?  I think for awhile it was a bit entertaining.  There was a real enthusiasm if nothing else.  I have no enthusiasm for anything any longer.  My concerns are only for the day's agonies.  It is nearly impossible to get outside of them.  For now, at least, I must give up writing "the daily."  I'll just end it by saying things are not going so well with my health now.  It is the new normal I will have to get used to. I'm going to need to learn how to observe the world in a new, less personal way.  If I don't, there will be nothing left to say.  

It is a sad resignation.  

This will be hard, though, after years of confession, even when it wasn't absolutely true.  If I can pull up something good from the past to write about now, that'll be alright. Back in more heroic times.  

I will talk of pictures when I can.  I like the blurry ones, the out of focus ones, the ones that seem like nothing but a mistake.  A fellow at the cafe the other day asked me about my camera and talked about photography for a long while.  Young guy with a lot of enthusiasm.  He was both anxious and nervous to show me some of his photography on his phone.  It was good--sharp, clean images well composed.  Photography used to be much more difficult because you had to know so many things.  I started before autoexposure cameras were around, and long before they could autofocus.  And of course, there was nothing digital.  You loaded your camera with film, and that was an important choice.  Black and white or color.  Prints or slides.  Most of us shot black and white for the simple reason that we could go into the dark room and develop the film with whatever chemical we thought best, and we could print them to whatever perfection we desired.  The rest of the world was taking snapshots with cheap cameras with heap color film and then would take them to the drugstore to be developed and printed in small 4x6 prints.  But "we photographers" had the magic.  

You needed to choose the right film speed for what you were shooting.  That is completely unnecessary with a modern digital camera or a phone.  If you chose a slow film because it gave you better grain and details but then got into a low light situation, you would have a hard time not getting photos with camera shake.  If we shot color, it was usually slide film, but that was the most unforgiving film of all.  You had to hit exposures dead on.  People on vacations often shot slide film so they could project them for their unwilling friends in their own homes.  

"Here we are at Rock City.  That's little Andy's hand on the right side of the picture."

By and large, it took a lot of knowledge and effort to make a really good photograph.  But the people I studied with went even further than that.  Jerry Uelsmann famously made his fantasy prints in the darkroom combining images from multiple negatives.  I watched him do it.  There was a lot of trial and error before he got a satisfactory print.  Todd Walker was using a printing press and silk screens that ran a black and white negative through three or four colors to make his unmistakable images.  And Doug Prince was printing images on plexiglass that he layered in boxes to give a three dimensional sculpture.  

They probably ruined me. But they liked my photographs well enough and I got to show pictures in photo exhibitions at the college when they were good enough.  

I spent hours and hours in those photo labs.  Back then we were sort of like alchemists or magicians, and people were happy for us to take their picture.  

Now an iPhone can do all of that and more in mere moments.  As I looked at the young fellows photos on his phone, I was struck with a number of different emotions, so I was surprised to find that he had set up his own darkroom. 

"I black out my bathroom and set up everything in the shower.  I love watching the prints develop."

Well, there you go.  A whole new set of emotions.  

One other thing he told me about the photos on his phone.  He shot them all with a Fuji camera, and all the images were basically just as they came out of the camera.  I still can't do that, and I spend a lot of time tweaking the images I take.  Maybe it is a throwback to my early days in the lab.  Working an image just seems necessary.  And definitely, those old Polaroid concoctions were influenced by my college profs.  

I still shoot film, and I still develop it, both black and white and now color, though I have gotten lazy of late and take some of my film to the lab to be processed.  There are still all the choices to make--black and white or color?  Fast or slow ISO?  There are many more film stocks to choose from now.  And then after I get the film back, there is the scanning which takes so long, and after awhile, I'm ready to switch back to digital. The thing about digital is you have a lot of options in the camera and later in the computer app or apps.  And this is where it becomes a bit time consuming.  Here are two versions of this blurry, out of focus image.  In one, I worked the colors.  In the other, I took them out and toned what was left.  Now I must decide which one I prefer.  And so far, I can't.  They say completely different things. For most people, what they both will say is, "What fucked up photographer would do that?"  They just won't dig the image the way I do.  And it is not a great image, not one for the ages, but it is fun for the moment I would say.  

The kid asked me if I had any pictures on the internet.  

"Oh, no. . . I don't do social media.  I can't stand rejection.  It doesn't matter what you put up, there are always going to be people who have shitty things to say about the work."  I never tell anyone about the blog.  

One has to greatly admire Vivian Maier and her ilk.  They were content to make photos for themselves.  Who knows why.  Maybe they felt they would be contaminated by people's opinions about their work, that it would change the way the saw things for the worse.  Many people like to "workshop" their stuff, but I am with Hemingway on this one when he said in his Nobel acceptance speech, "Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for writers palliate the writer's loneliness but I doubt if they improve his writing."

I think that is true for all creative acts.  By and large.  

O.K. There it is, the first post not written as a daily confessional.  That was alright.  We'll see.  
  

Living the Dream

I went to the new coffee shop yesterday.  Hipsters, but older.  It is in the part of town where I was run over, but in the years since then, it has changed completely.  Now there are giant apartment complexes towering over everything, each with its own set of shops.  I don't know what rent is like in this part of town, but it has to be pretty high.  Who are the people who take up residence there?  You know they must have jobs.  They are not the kids who inhabit the Cafe Strange.  There were costumed people in the new place, but not as costumed.  The baristas were what they always are with lots of tats covering their bodies and metal decorating their faces.  The interior is a mishmash of old furniture and objects of interest. 

And at night, they have DJs (link).  I sent this to Q since he himself once upon a time was a disc jockey, but he didn't respond.  I'm sure he was unimpressed.  I found it odd that a coffee shop would have a DJ, but when I tried to order from their extensive menu of drinks, I saw that it was a Kava bar . I went to one once with Ily at her request, but we ended up getting a Kratom drink instead.  When we left to go to the grocers, I was walking a foot above the ground.  We were warned.  I'm pretty sure that Kava doesn't do that, but as I say, I haven't tried it yet.  Like most things that fuck you up, Kava is not so good for your liver.  Since I was there in the middle of the day, I decided to get a Golden Milk instead.  

First sip, I burned the fuck out of my tongue.  Drinking hot coffee now, I can still feel it.  

I hadn't brought my courier's bag, so I didn't have a notebook and pen. I had my camera, though, so I was looking around instead of writing.  Most of the people there were on laptop computers. Maybe I am underestimating that.  Thinking back, it could have been all.  Maybe they were working.  That would kind of make sense.  If they were online employees, they don't have to walk very far to get out of the apartment, and a coffee place makes more sense than does a bar in the middle of the afternoon.  I never have asked Q about that.  He works online, and now I wonder if he has a coffee shop where he goes to work.  It has never occured to me to ask him before.  

My mother and I are both scheduled for MRIs in a bit.  Aren't we a pair.  Maybe soon we can have adjoining rooms at the assisted living facility.  She'd like that.  We can spend our last days eating shitty food and watching commercial t.v.  

Living the Dream.  

Random [F]acts

The Greeks had it down so very long ago.  Life is full of choices, but you aren't given the flexibility to choose anything at all.  Life is more like a multiple choice test.  Choosing "none of the above" is sometimes an option, but only sometimes.  I used to think we were the product of our choices, so if I am standing next to a manhole cover that explodes and cuts me in two, it was my choices, all of them, that led me to my ultimate fate.  

I wasn't reading the Greek tragedians closely enough.  The fall of the hero is about the choices they make but also random twists of fate.  For the Greeks, these weren't random acts but were the will of the interfering Gods.  We must throw in a character's flaw, however.  You know, something like hubris.  And so, like Oedipus, we must suffer our fates.  

Choices.  Some things can seem so inconsequential at the moment but come back to haunt you down the timeline.  

I chose to post today's photo as a gif.  Bad choice.  It is driving me crazy blinking at the top of the page as I try to write.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, I guess.  It took me a long while to make it because I had forgotten how and had to look it up then struggle through all the steps.  After that, I can't just trash it, can I?  

It was terrible, so I just did.  I trashed it.  I had a choice to make.  We'll see where it leads.  You know, the whole Butterfly Effect theory.  

I've thought much about the choices I have made in my life lately.  I've been bitching and moaning and complaining here for a long while, I know, but by and large in life, given the choices I didn't make, I've been lucky.  Maybe lucky in some things and not in others, of course, but my life could have gone a much worse way.  I think I walked through life wearing a blindfold and was just fortunate not to fall into any of the many open pits that dotted the highway.  

But in retrospect, I could have done things much differently.  Hindsight and all that.  

I've not been lucky with cards or dice or roulette wheels.  I am still not sure about love.  I'm trying to think about the women I've loved as a conglomerate right now.  I've never really done that before.  Most of them got married.  Most stayed married and had children.  One got divorced.  One never married.  One was married before me but never married again.  All were well educated and successful.  I sure can pick 'em.  

I just can't keep 'em.  And since I am the common denominator. . . .

It is funny that I think of them but cannot imagine them ever thinking of me, or if they do, their thinking is pretty much, "Oh, man. . . that was a close call."  They've all done better, even the one who never got married.  

Ho!

O.K.  That was random.  I was going to write about yesterday's disappointments, but that is just another bore.  

I've not been able to focus lately, and I'm wondering if it isn't due to all the stupefiers I am taking at night.  Surely.  But I can't go cold turkey.  The shock to my system would be too great.  However I do it, there are sure to be sleepless nights.  

The Wreck of the Vespa--should I take responsibility or was it just a random act?  I was told not to buy a motorcycle.  I chose to be on that road at just that time.  Did everything in my life lead me to that one particular place and time?  Did someone appeal to the gods to effect my fate?  Was it simply punishment for having a certain character flaw?  

It is more fun to think about such things in the abstract rather than to apply it to your own existence.  

Selavy.  Selah.  

O.K.  Stop me if you have heard this one before.

Maybe My Best Just Ain't Good Enough

As reported in yesterday's post, I didn't get out of my mother's house until nearly noon.  She wasn't feeling well and had gone back to bed.  As a result, breakfast was served very late.  But the sun was shining and there were markets in various parts of town, and I was out of photos to post with my daily ramblings, so I felt there might be a chance of getting out among the horde.  When I got to my own home, though, I fell into what has become "the usual trap."  It felt good to be among my things, and I dallied a bit.  Just as I was thinking about going out, the phone rang.  It was my mother.

"I don't see muy two o'clock pills."  

Shit, piss, fuck, goddamn.  Sonofabitch.  

"O.K." 

"I'm sorry.  I understand."

"No.  No you don't."

So I got back into the car and drove to mother's.  Now you might be asking yourself, if I have put all the pills for the week in their respective places in the weekly pill box, why she can't just get them herself.  Ha!  You jest.  

When I got back to my house, I had a couple of hours of "me" time left.  I started fooling around with cameras and lenses.  I thought to put the plastic Holga lens on the Fuji medium format camera just to see. I walked around the homestead grounds snapping photos.  It seemed good.  Now came the hard part.  I put the camera in the car and headed south.  

When I got to the place where I thought the "vintage" market would be, it was really a half-assed effort, but not to be rebuffed or deterred, I set about walking around and snapping away.  It was a small market, and in a few minutes I had made several passes through.  O.K.  I might have something, I thought, so I limped and stumbled my way back to the car where I sat and looked at the pictures on the camera screen.  Maybe one, maybe two useful images.  When I backed the car out of the lot and into the street, I decided to take the long way home. 

And that is how I found the "real" market.  Even better, I found a huge parking lot nearby.  This time, I grabbed the Leica and set out with my stumbly gait toward the gathering.  It was late now, but there was still a crowd of hipster fashionistas.  The sun had dropped to a good angle and there were patches of brilliant light with sharp shadows.  I tried standing in a spot adjacent to it, but I became too obvious and had to move along.  I walked around the market once, twice, and then left to scroll through the images I had taken.  I went back. . . three, four times, then out onto the main drag.  Just down the sidewalk was a hipster drip coffee joint I'd never seen.  I walked over, looked in, and oh, my. . . what a wonderful place it was.  It was dark inside, but I didn't want to fool with my camera settings so I just began snapping away from the waist.  I walked to the far back of the place, past tables and booths and all gorgeous old vintage paraphernalia.  The shop was full of people, of course, patrons of the market, so I wasn't comfortable using the camera.  I walked back onto the sidewalk promising myself to come here on a weekday to make more photographs.  I'd found a great alternative place to the Cafe Strange.  It was the happy accident of this day. 

Back to the market, fifth, sixth go 'rounds.  By now, though, I was being "seen," the only guy with a camera.  It's not like being on the streets of NYC, of course, where you walk and walk and aren't with the same people over and over again, so I decided to bolt.  And funny thing--as I pulled out of the giant parking lot, it suddenly and without warning, began to rain.  First a little, then, quickly, a lot.  I'd had some luck there.  

I drove to the grocers to get the things I needed to make dinner.  

When I got back to my house, I dumped the images from the Leica in the computer.  Oh. . . there were a few good images there.  Not classic forever pictures, but something.  I was excited to work on them, but the clock was ticking.  I had to leave them for another day.  It was time to fix my mother's dinner.  

I've become adept at using the Leica in a crowd.  My M10 R is a wonderful camera.  The shutter is nearly silent, and it is able to rapid fire in bursts.  The camera is best for this kind of use.  It is small, light, and nearly perfect for snatching pictures on the run.  For pictures looking through the viewfinder, though, that Canon is a pip.  It just is.  And for anything needing more resolution and finer, deeper colors, the Fuji GFX is great, a real portrait camera.  This is what I have come to after so long.  Three cameras. I know what each of them is for.  I should just sell the rest and put the money toward a big printer.  

"Should," though, has never been my guiding light.  What is my mantra?  

I'll have to work on that.  I'll get back to you.  

My neck still hurts and my hand's still numb and I haven't heard from the MRI place, so this could go on for awhile. . . if not forever.  Living too long is definitely not its own reward.  

When I got up this morning, my mother cried out from her bed in a pitiful, plaintive voice, "I'm cold!"

I sleep naked under a ceiling fan.  It is not cold in the house. I looked at the thermostat.  Nope.  Same temperature as always.  So I said.  

"You have a heater in your bedroom.  Turn it on.  Heat the room up to ninety if you want.  Everything is the same as it has always been."

That confused her.  

"Is the thermostat broken?"

She doesn't hear a word I say.  I live with her misery every moment, and now I can throw my own on top.  It makes her happy, I think.  Misery loves company.  As long as everyone is suffering. . . . 

I am a child in many ways.  I want to show you everything I have right now, all the pictures at once.  But then tomorrow, I'd be back to square one, so I am practicing restraint.  Prudent resolve.  Studied discipline.  

O.K.  Here's something that surprised me.  Carol King?!?!  Holy smokes.  Petty does as good a job as Eric Burdon on this one.  

"Because my best just ain't good enough"

Maybe I've found my mantra! 

Active Somnabulism

Have I used this photo here before?  I can't remember.  I ran across it yesterday when I was looking for something else.  It has the look of film, but I think it was taken with the Canon DSLR and a plastic Holga lens.  I love that combo, but I don't use it much so that I don't become too repetitive.  I do, however, enjoy the look.  It must be an old photo because the woman has a sweater.  Last winter, perhaps.  Maybe I've shown it before, but I can't remember doing so.  I try to shy away from showing too many butts, but I really don't know why.  I get a little paranoid, I guess, but I like the anonymity of butts not heads.  And I love the motion blur.  There is a lot to like about this image, I think.  It is soft and dreamlike.  Or dangerously not.  Let's call it somnambulistic.  I like that.  Maybe I can put together a series with that title.  

Somnambulism.  

See?  With a title like that, it is transformed.  Fixed.  Legit.  

I took a beautiful Saturday to clean up the study in my home.  Staying home on the most beautiful Saturdays has become something of a psychological malady.  Those are days when I know I should get out among the weekenders.  I should be out making pictures.  I can't make myself do it, though, for whatever reason.  I know the reason, but I can't even confess it.  I am hideous and afraid to come down from the belfry.  

But I put the day to good use.  I should put more days to use, too.  My study is a mess of photo paraphernalia.  It is small and gets cluttered up quickly.  I decided to take it apart and organize it. Much of the mess was paper.  Lots of it.  Many different kinds.  Some of that is inkjet papers--bamboo, rice, matte, glossy, thick art stock.  I've tried printing on anything and everything.  I cut newspaper and magazine pages.  Yesterday I printed on some blank 4x5 film.  I have many expensive sheets of art papers for doing dye transfers and hand coloring and slathering in paints and gels.  There were many unopened packs of vellum and transparencies.  So, of course, I had to do a little printing on my small Canon printer.  Experiments.  I have many experimental pieces.  I need to move beyond the experimental stage, I realized, and turn some things into projects.  To do that, though, I would have to go back through a billion uncategorized files and organize them.  And therein lies the rub.  I am terribly disorganized, always in a hurry.  

"There is nothing that can't be done tomorrow."

I was more efficient at cleaning up yesterday than I usually am.  I tried keeping distraction at bay.  I spent three or four busy hours discovering things that had been buried under stacks and piles and put them someplace.  I'm sure I won't remember where, but now they are somewhere out of the way.  

My work ways spilled over into other rooms.  I did laundry.  I threw away a many of old images I had been holding onto.  Big boxes went to trash.  I stored some items in other rooms.  Digging into the storage under a bookshelf in my bedroom, I found many brand new Gap t-shirts I bought years ago but hadn't worn because they were too long.  I grabbed a beautiful pair of large shears made in India for cloth cutting that I bought decades ago at a Restoration Hardware in Berkeley when it was still a yuppie hardware store and cut the shirts to an appropriate length.  They are now gym shirts.  

When I finally felt done with organizing for the day, I went through drawers looking at what was there.  Oh, man, I have hundreds of old Polaroids in boxes.  I used to make Polaroids of everything.  Going through those boxes was overwhelming me, so I stopped and put them away thinking about posterity.  Yea.  What will happen to all this beautiful intriguing stuff?  There is so very much of it. 

Irrationally, I started thinking about buying another big printer to make more.  Why not?  I want to make large portrait pictures printed on diaphanous papers.  I decided to try making them on the small printer first, so I ordered some expensive paper that will just fit.  Now I need some interesting faces and the chutzpah to approach them.  

Planning is the easier part. 

Experimenting is fun.  

Making the final product is portentous.   

The weather prediction for today is windy.  There are markets going on about town, and I think about going among the crowds with camera, but I get anxious about it.  I will try to force myself to go.  If I were ready to do it, I would find those good faces and give them a business card.  

"You have a great face.  I'd love to photograph it.  Here's my card.  Call me if you get interested."

Of course, they'd want to see samples first.  I need to make a website.  Have I ever said that before?  I need an assistant, a young, aspiring female photographer preferred.  Why?  I think I listen better to women than to men.  With men, it is always a competition, and I find women much more creative.  I need their Yin to my Yang.  

Mother is not feeling well and has gone back to bed.  She complains constantly about pain, though I can't believe she feels anything with the large amount of narcotics she takes with her own supplementaery supply of pain meds.  She has bottles of stuff hidden everywhere.  I believe last night she mixed up a cocktail of oxy, whiskey, Tylenol, Advil, and a prescription muscle relaxer.  She was up before I was today, so there is no telling what else she took.  She looked on the nod when I made coffee.  There will be no getting out of this house early today.  I'll need to wait until she gets up again so I can make her a meal.  If I do get out among the throng, it won't be until the afternoon.  

By then, I might just decide it is a better idea to cull some photographs for printing.  I think today's photo might look good printed large on a Kozo thin white paper.  

Let me look at the price of 24" printers once again.  Fuck it--it's only money, right?  

Legacy.  Posterity. 

Ha!

Busy Day

I took my mother to the pain doc yesterday.  When he was through with her, I said, "Before we go, may I ask you a question?  I know you don't think acupuncture does anything, but what do you think about dry needling?"

"Yes, that can give temporary relief.  Why do you ask?"

I told him about the problem in my neck, back, etc.  

Long story short, I am scheduled for an MRI.  After I agreed to it, I wished I hadn't.  He was explaining to me what was the probable cause, which I already knew.  

"But what can you do?" I asked with much doubt.  

"I can give an injection.  I can do an epidural."

Yea.  Relief, not a cure.  I'd prefer to try dry needling first.  

"When you see the images of my neck, you are going to wonder how I function.  There is a whole lot of arthritis in there.  'Longhorns' one doctor called the calcium protrusions from my vertebrae."

I told him about my crash injuries, and he got a little bug-eyed when I told him I had flail chest.  

"They plated two of my ribs."

My chances of surviving that wreck were minimal.  He began explaining to me why that was a good choice.  By all measures, I should have suffered a stroke.  

"How old are you?" he asked.  I told him.  He blew some smoke up my ass and told me he'd have guessed me for some impossible age.

"Yea. . . I'm doing pretty well for an old cripple."  I'm not.  It is just a thing to say. 

"Do you need anything for pain?"

"My family doctor gave me hydrocodone."

"Do you want any muscle relaxers."

"No."

"OK.  Just don't drink alcohol when you are taking the hydrocodone."

I laughed.  "I thought that alcohol just enhanced it."

He chuckled, too.  "Yes, it does, but we want you to wake up in the morning."

"I think waking up is way overrated," I said.  I'm pretty sure I just screwed the pooch on getting good drugs from him. 

It was later than usual when I left my mother's house.  She was still dismayed at my leaving.  I had on my gym clothes.  

"Are you going to the gym?"

"Yes.  It is a question of whether it is better to look good or to feel good."

Surprisingly, that made her laugh.  

I did a very light workout skipping anything that would impact my neck.  When I was finished and ready to go, I was talking to Alain when my new gym friend's husband came over.  He's a tall, fit man, an ex-college baseball player.  Like his wife, not a dram of fat on him.  He is handsome enough, but he has a face that doesn't light up when you talk to him.  

"I wanted to introduce myself," he said, sharing his name and holding out his hand.  "My wife comes home and talks about her new best friends at the gym, and I wonder how she got into the boy's club."

I shook his hand and said, "She's great.  She's one of the guys.  Funny.  She doesn't have a cliche in her head.  She's way outside the box, as they say."

His smile then was more a grimace.  "Can you imagine living with that?  My son and I get beaten up every day." 

I'll bet.  We now know where the money comes from.  They own a medical company of some sort.  Cha-ching.  

At least he didn't punch me.  

It was afternoon when I got home and showered.  Then I had to sit down at the computer and try to figure out how to move the money in an account with one company to another.  They don't make that easy, and I have been rebuffed a number of times now, but it has to be done and Izzie ain't the guy to do it, I think. Still, I needed some info, so I called him.  As always, right to voicemail.  I decided to send him an email, and within minutes, he had replied.  I dove into the online transfer form nervously, but eventually, I had something done.  I was hoping that it was what I had intended.  I feared that my retirement savings might have just been sent to a Nigerian Prince.  It will take five to seven days for me to know.  

But what the hell--it's only money, right?  

It was time to head back to mother's.  I called her and asked her if Greek salads and roasted chicken from the Greek place would be alright. "Sure," she said.  I saw I had missed a call from T, so I called him back while I drove.  I told him he was missed at happy hour, that the judge had wished he was there.  He was pleased, but I could hear something in his voice when he said he wished he could have been there.  He liked going out here on the town.  He is in a rural land now, many miles from anything.  Moonshine around a campfire, maybe, but no happy hours on the Boulevard with the homies.  

It was my first in many, many, many months. 

Back at my mother's with dinner.  My mother looked miserable. 

"My legs are all swelled up."

"Have you been wearing your compression socks?"

"Yes."  

I saw that she had them on. 

"I'm going to make a drink before we eat."  I took my Negroni to the garage/porch.  She usually follows, but she didn't come out this time.  I sat and enjoyed the beautiful end of the day.  The weather has been gorgeous. When I had finished my drink, I went inside to dine.  My mother wasn't there.  She had gone to lie down in her bed.  

Friday night!!!  

I've been dreaming of the pictures I want to make.  I know what I want to photograph, but I need a big printer and some dedicated space for chemicals to do what I want to do.  It will be better than the old Polaroids, I think.  Maybe I can make space in my mother's garage and work on pictures while she watches television.  But it will only work if the images are really big.  

I tried not taking the narcotic when I went to bed.  That was a mistake.  I ended up taking it in the middle of the painful night. 

Now it's time to make my mother's breakfast.  And then. . . .

Here's a song that I was not sure I'd post because it is too reminiscent of the old "smooth jazz" radio stations.  Do you remember the whole Smooth Jazz scare?  Yea.  But I think this has just enough funk in it to save it.  If not. . . selavy.  I was digging it when it came on the college station.  

I just noticed that it is on Blue Note records, so it must be O.K.  

Intervention

"When I was growing up. . . ."  Yea, I don't want to be that kind of guy.  But this is what a weather map looked like when I was. . . .  Isobars.  The closer they are together, the more forceful the weather.  Wind.  Rain.  Sleet.  

Maps like this seem to have gone the way of the television test pattern that used to come on after midnight when stations quit broadcasting for the day.  

Stores were closed on Sunday.  

I don't want to be that guy.  

I went to my "intervention" yesterday.  There were four of us seated in the deep chair, open air seating overlooking the Boulevard and the passing parade.  It was quite something.  We ate lobster flatbread and mushrooms fried in batter and doused in some spicy Szechuan sesame coating.  Two drinks in, however, it was time for me to go.  It felt like the party was just starting.  I left a little before six, but I had to go back to my house to get the Whole Foods meals I'd bought for dinner with my mother. It was six-fifteen when my phone rang.  It was my mother.  

"Where are you?"

I was half a mile from her house. 

"Why?  Do you need something?"

"Are you coming back?"

"What's wrong?"

"You said you'd be here by six."

Holy smokes.  I'd stolen fifteen minutes of "me time."  I wanted to put a gun to my head.  There is to be no sustained joy in my life.  Servitude is my fate, or so my mother implies.  To wit, I got up at five this morning. I have to take my mother to the pain doc at eight.  My mother was up and banging around all night.  She must have heard me get up because she was right behind me.  What does she do?  She sits in her chair at the dining room table and doom scrolls on her phone.  

A photo book I ordered some weeks ago came yesterday just before I left the house. "Verso Reverso" by Patricio Reig (link).  Wow!  A treat.  I could not be sure of the quality of the book, but it is quite wonderful, large at approximately 9"x12", with full sized images printed well on fine paper.  I was a bit overwhelmed with envy, though.  I've done this kind of work before but not nearly this well.  From looking at his earlier photos, I found that Reig worked at this for years before the culmination of this book, and as I always say, you do best what you do most. I looked to see how much his images were selling for.  $6-8,000.  Reig has a nice studio and some people working there with him.  He's doing alright. 

It has given me some ideas.  All I need is money, space, and time.  

O.K. I need to hustle now to get mom out the door, into the car, and down the road.  It is Friday, but there will be no sushi dinner for me tonight.  I had my hour of fun yesterday.  If you need anything, I'll be right here on my mother's couch trying not to think about what I could be doing instead.  

Maybe a Facial Would Help

I have a folder on my laptop with photos I might use on the blog, so every morning, I see what's left.  After I use one, it goes into another folder, one I don't need to look through.  I'm dumping this photo here today so I can get it to the "used" folder.  The essential blankness of it just freaks me out.  This carefully coiffed lawn is lakefront on one of my walks.  Swank.  But in sepia black and white, without context. . . I don't know.  

Which was the whole point of the picture.  I just can't look at it anymore. 

You know why people are happier in Nordic countries?  Because they don't have to play the games Americans have to play with EVERYTHING.  We call that Capitalism.  Start with health insurance.  You get into a plan and then it changes, so you have to start looking for another.  Take banking.  Maybe you have fun chasing after the endlessly changing interest rates and the "deals" banks offer if you open up a new account with X amount of dollars for Y amount of months.  Or mortgage rates.  Or cable t.v. offers.  Or specials at the grocers.  Which days are best for BOGO?  

I'm at my wits end with all this stuff.  I don't want to think about any of it.  It makes no sense to me.  I want a bit more steady state.  

Those Nords are living on Rock Candy Mountain. 

When I came back to my mother's yesterday, the maid had left but the dryer was running.  I was worried that something had gone wrong and I went in to see if new sheets were on the beds.  They were.  O.K.  I made a drink and went out to sit with my mother.  

In a bit, she got up to take laundry out of the washer.  She started putting them into the dryer.  It was empty. Then she said, "It doesn't feel like these clothes got washed."  My mother had put the clothes in the washing machine and turned on the dryer.  

"Shit," she said and began putting the clothes back into the washing machine. And then. . . .

"I don't know how to start the washing machine.  Can you help me?"

Yup.  

I didn't feel so well and asked her if it was alright if we had soup and sandwiches for dinner.  As I say, this is more than a full time job. There are no days off.  There is a schedule and things like meal prep must be done.  There are no shifts.  It's a one man show.  

I watch my mother eat.  It is not so much fun.  She struggles now, closing her eyes when she chews, shuddering a bit as she swallows.  It is slow with much pausing between bites.  These are my mornings, my evenings.  Every one of them.  In between, I deal with the other mess that is the remains of my life.  

And so tonight, the boys are doing "an intervention."  Happy Hour.  They start early for me because I MUST be home before six.  I will have an hour of "intervention."  The thing is, I don't know how to hang out anymore.  My social skills have withered from disuse.  Some days when I've done everything I need to do and there are still a couple hours of my afternoon remaining, I have no idea what to do.  What does one do with two hours in the afternoon?  I need new running shoes.  I could go buy some.  Or I could run the car through the car wash.  I'd like to go get something to eat at one of my old haunts, but I'd need to be making dinner in a couple hours.  

And then it is time to hurry back to mother's.  

But yea. . . happy hour.  It makes me nervous.  It is going to jam up my day.  What will I say to them?  What will I make for dinner?  

And so you see why I have to get rid of that photograph.  I can't look at it any longer.  It is the blankness that is killing me.  The nothingness.  The void.  I've become obsessed with death and dying and the soundlessness of eternity.  

I went to my beautician yesterday.  She took a look at me and said she wasn't going to do anything.  I was glad. My hair is just getting to be an acceptable length.  She said we'd wait another month.  Now the old saying is, "If you go to the barber, you get a haircut."  That is meant to be a comment on going to see a doctor, but it holds for many other things, too.  She had driven across town to come to the shop just to beautify me.  She had no other appointments, and she was leaving a good chunk of change on the table. 

We talked for the next two hours.  We are each, it seems, living lives of quiet desperation.  I always have to remind people that taking care of children is not the same as taking care of a parent.  The two are going in opposite directions.  You have hope for a child's future.  There is only despair for the other.  

My hairdresser is Jewish.  That term has always made me laugh, of course, because of the "-ish."  Yesterday, however, I understood.  People who were born and live in Israel are Israelis.  They don't call themselves "Jews," but refer to themselves as Israelis.  My girl is Ashkenazi, hence Jew"ish."  

At least that is how I understood it. 

When I compared Arab Muslims to Orthodox Jews, however, she couldn't quite go there.  The basic difference, she said, is that Islam teaches murder and the Torah does not, that Jews focus on life and Muslims focus on the afterlife.  I said that neither one looked appealing, that the people always looked unhappy.

I was over my head here having a very bare bones knowledge of either.  And once again, I learned not to have opinions about things you don't really know.  As my conservative friend says when he gets caught out like that, "I don't have to know the science.  I just have to know how I feel about it."  

That pretty much sums it up as we head into the midterm elections.  

The woman who owns the salon where my girl works is also Russian.  Somehow the salon is a business deal between my beautician's step-father and her.  Katya has become an aesthetician, I think.  She is Russian, so I am not sure about all the licenses.  They are, as far as I can tell by what my beautician tells me, a criminal lot. I told her that all the bullshit about life in America in the '50s and '60s was true, that there were no locks on bicycles, that you never locked your front door, and that you left the car keys in the ignition.  She said that she was amazed when she came to America how naive people were, that they were easy pickings.  She has learned more empathy over time, she says, but not at her own expense.  Her rough Russian upbringing has marked her.  

"Fucking immigrants," I said. 

Katya has been doing facials for my beautician lately, and her face looks great.  I told her that some of my buddy's go for facials at the plastic surgeon's office.  

"That's why they pay so much.  The machines are terrible expensive, but Katya got hers for much less in Europe." 

Yea.  I'm not sure if I want a Russian facial.  It all seems shady to me.  Still, if the price is right. . . .

Then my beautician told me that everyone is putting a prescription vaginal cream on their faces right now.  "Even the plastic surgeons."  

Estradiol Cream: A potent, prescription-strength vaginal estrogen (like Estrace) typically prescribed to treat menopausal symptoms such as vaginal dryness and thinning tissue. Some users repurpose small amounts of this prescription cream for their faces. Proponents claim topical estrogen helps boost collagen production, improve skin thickness, and increase elasticity.

I had to look it up. I have to think this is something started by Gwyneth Paltrow and sold through Goop. 

"My face could smell like your vagina."

No worries.  I'll try it.  

On my way out, I asked the receptionist how much a facial would cost.  She asked me which kind I wanted.  "The first one," I said. 

$186

Maybe I'll try the vaginal cream first.  

The second part of this post, the part about going to get beautified and beyond, was just added on. The real ending was the blank void of the photograph and how it made me feel.  And so, to bring it all home and tie it with a fancy bow. . . . 

We're In the Money

I went to see my "financial advisor" yesterday.  That breaks me up.  "Wealth management."  Etc.  I am a complete financial disaster.  My broker friends want me to tell them when I am going to invest in anything.  They say I'm an "indicator."  I am someone who can make the markets crash just by putting money into it.  I should have twice as much money as I do now.  It is embarrassing.  The thing is, though, I've never paid any attention.  So yesterday sitting with Izzie, I used all the wrong terms, confusing "money market" with "mutual funds," etc.  I just don't know the lingo. Or anything else.  I got Izzie because he is new, I think, and needed clients.  His office is the least desirable.  He is young.  But what I am doing doesn't require great insight.  And now, for the first time in years, I am making interest on my money again. 

That's all I'll tell you, so don't ask.  I either have just enough or just too little money.  That is the line I straddle.  Thinking about buying new things is scary.  Computers.  A car.  What about a big printer?  When I was working, I guess I didn't care.  I had an art studio for Christ's sake.  Just because.  

That's how I handled my money, "a small but adequate income."

But the economy is freaking me out.  The price of gas is one thing, but I don't drive very far given my life's situation.  But my property tax bill came a few days ago, and it has doubled.  The electric and water bills at my home where I do not live have skyrocketed.  And, of course, food.  So now I have the Old Person's Syndrome.  For instance, I made a very good beef stew on Sunday.  There was a lot left over, so we ate it again on Monday night.  Before the syndrome, I would have thrown the rest of it away, but nope. We had it once more last night.  

Frugal me.  

Organic eggs at my grocery store are $5.50.  I've only eaten organic for a very long time.  Now, however, I'm buying the $2.29 eggs.  I'm going to start buying necessities at the Dollar Store.  Of course, I wait for BOGO items now, and I may start looking at coupons.  If I weren't stuck at my mother's, I'd probably be going to all those old people dinners where you are offered a golden opportunity to buy something.  My mother and her friends used to go to all of them.  At one point, however, one company said they couldn't come anymore.  They'd had all the free meals they were going to get.  

I'm not turning down the free coffee now.  Maybe I'll start going to Costco and eating the samples.  

Just let me pass on to you what I learned yesterday.  The market on average has been earning about 3.8% so far this year.  CDs are now paying 4.6%.  There is no really good place to put your money if you are on a budget right now.  

"So Izzie, when's the market going to come back?"

"Who knows?"

"Sure you do. As soon as he's out of office."  

Izzie probably is a republican.  

He did say that CD interest rates were probably going up again.  Isn't that something?  You can get 4.6% on your money from the same bank that will lend you money at 7%.  

I was better off when I just had a paycheck every month.  I can't believe how much fun I had on so very little money.  But as I've reported, I used to stay in $8/night hotel rooms and ride Greyhound buses around the country.  Even when I travelled, it was in countries where the dollar went very, very far.  Even a poor American could live large in Mexico, Central, and South America.  

But I can't sleep with bed bugs anymore.  I need a good bed and a room with a view.  No matter, though.  Here I am, never to leave my mother's side.  Think of the money she's saving me.  

Still and all, though, I am fearful that the liberal press is setting "us" up for disappointment on Nov 2.  There will be no reckoning, I fear.  When it comes time to pull the lever and Mr and Ms America have to choose between a Nazi and a kid whose pronoun is "they" and who has suffered gluten trauma and has a peanut allergy. . . .  People fear change.  

I am amazed, though, at all the warnings by republicans that the U.S. could end up like France if the dems win.  

"Uh, dude. . . like Jan. 6 never happened?"

What's not on the ballot, however, is climate, and I despair.  That people worry more about A.I. than about climate change astounds me.  I read this morning that a U.N. report shows the U.S. to be worst at meeting it's climate goals out of all developed countries.  My republican friends will simply bash the U.N. as fake news.  They hate the U.N.  

But let's end on a happy note.  One thing that tickles me is young people's love of analog, of anything pre-21st century.  

Bring back the Walkman!