I sort of quit drinking. There are benefits to not drinking, of course, that are all well-known. But last night, old ways. . . . I realized that I had rather quit listening to music, too. This was not a conscious decisions, nor are there any known benefits. There are benefits, though. Without music, I seem calmer, less manic. I make fewer irrational decisions. I am less emotional. Benefits? you ask. Yes, if you are a romantic and tend toward melancholy, music can have too great an influence on you.
Last night, I indulged in both. I didn't plan it, didn't mean to, but way led to way, and the next thing I knew, I was trying to keep myself from writing emails to everyone I knew and have known. My player was set to random mix, and I heard music I'd forgotten I owned. Thank god the impulse to grab my guitar (something else I have abandoned for a long time) and howl along with the music took me away from the computer. I wailed and wailed until my heart was about to explode. Then I slept. It was a long, undisturbed sleep of the sort that I don't get much any more either. And this morning I woke late and. . . felt the way I used to.
The music alone will not do that. Nor the liquor. It is the combination. It makes me want to grab a book and the telephone and start reading lines to old friends and lovers. Bad ju-ju all around.
I maintained enough control last night to do no permanent damage. But it was close. I'd better watch it.
There are images from the beach series that I am struggling with. I don't think that I will put them up on the other site. It is a happy place full of super heroes. They are normal people, not at all like us. That is how I imagine them. They don't read Beckett or gaze at Hopper paintings with heavy wonder. They are not haunted and complicated as we are, mired in dichotomies and contradictions, not weighed down by endless soul searching. They are happy people, and I do not wish to disturb that.
I will think about it. Until then, I think I'll keep these photos here.
You are a PLU. I knew that of course but it is always reassuring when you put it out there.
ReplyDeleteMy son called from the MFA which is just about across the street from his dorm. He said he forgot how much he loved the big classic religious paintings -- he said on Wednesdays they have an artist who paints or draws from human figures --he said he isn't so sure about Van Gogh anymore (I think we all have that phase don't we? rejecting him until we travel through that madness ourselves later in life and come to realize that Van Gogh did indeed vomit his soul through his brush in paint on the canvas -- or is it just me?)
He said he too loves the giant John Singer Sargent of the little girls in the room with the giant Chinese vases.
He's infected too. Poor Kid. Sigh.
So once in my life I went on anti-depression pills -- I suppose I needed them but after 3 months of no highs or lows -- just a constant drone of sameness --- I said to myself -- Self this is not you. You are not this way - you need your highs and your lows (even though as a Libra the most natural place is balanced).
Fuck balanced. When one needs to howl at the moon in order to set things aright -- do it I say, fuck the neighbors and "normal."
I've been listening to a lot more music lately...maybe that's part of the problem. I was told that a melancholic like myself should not listen to so much Tom Waits...but do I listen? I have an email I wrote under the influence once that I save as a nasty reminder to stay away from the keyboard when the normal inhibitions are not in place. I agree...those pictures should be left here! :)
ReplyDeleteI've been in "one of those moods" for a few weeks(months) now.
ReplyDeleteI hope I'm slowly breaking free of the despair I feel.
does the drinking and listening to music loud help?
no clue, heck, I have no clue about much of anything in life,so why question.
Life's short, enjoy what brings you happiness and F##k the rest!
Cocktails and dreams to you all:)
D
What's a PLU?
ReplyDeleteMaybe we shouldn't hang together. We'll reinforce this sort of behavior.
Dangerous.
But fun.