The Human Instinct

I'm not sure where I got this image. I download lots of photos for reference. I know this was from a Tumblr page, photographer unknown. It is the look I'm going for in a couple of upcoming projects, so strangely, disturbingly beautiful. I may have to invest time and money into doing the wet plate process. Messy. Toxic. Difficult. But what else is there to do?

I am lost right now. It happens. No plans for the holidays, I feel a certain catatonia settling in. I find it difficult to move from wherever I am. I get up so awfully early but don't leave the house until criminally late. I am independent by nature, but I'm becoming anti-social.

I've been reading "The Moon And Sixpence" from time to time. I'll finish it tonight just to have done with it. I'm disappointed in it, but last night, I came across a passage that stung me. The narrator exclaims to the painter, Strickland, a character based on Paul Gaugin:

"'Is it possible for any man to disregard others entirely?' I said, though more to myself than to him. 'You're dependent on others for everything in existence. It's a preposterous attempt to try to live only for yourself and by yourself. Sooner or later you'll be ill and tired and old, and then you'll crawl back into the herd. Won't you be ashamed when you feel in your heart the desire for comfort and sympathy? You're trying an impossible thing. Sooner or later the human being in you will yearn for the common bonds of humanity.'"

After that, I closed the book and went to bed.