Losering

I missed the trip to India. Now my summer plans to visit Prague, Budapest, and Istanbul just got spoiled. I won the battle in the work place but am poised to lose worse. It is the anxiety of waiting that empties the batteries. And now Ed Ross has announced his plans to shoot vintage circus tintypes using real circus performers. I'll link the images when they are up. I've seen some, but I haven't asked his permission to post them yet.

First Joni Sternbach, now this.

I just got my tax information together and saw how much I spent on photography this year. Jesus Marimba! The house is in need of many repairs. I am driving an '85 Volvo that is missing parts. My wardrobe is in tremendous disrepair. The fellow who took my $5,000 for the Africa trip and then cancelled it refuses to pay me back. I have more work than I can do. I can't sleep.

I've made enemies. I've made mistakes.

And the Polaroid film is running out.

You can't undo things. And I must admit that I'm tired of trying to walk like I have pumpkins between my legs. I can no longer justify.

Today scares the hell out of me. I have set a goal, an imaginary date, and tell myself if I can make it there, things will be O.K. That, of course, is not true, but it is not not true, either. We've all made it out of the storm before. We know it can happen.

I will set a goal and a date for my image making, too. This or that.

Man, that's a lot of whining. Finding out about the trip last night and then seeing Ed's images today has just set me reeling. Tomorrow will be different. Or the next day. Or the next. All I really need to do is change my mind.