Last Shoot

I finished the final shoot for my Bellocq series yesterday.  It was the most difficult shoot I've tried.  I had two models I'd shot with before, one 5'11", the other 6' tall, one a black islander (can't remember which) and one a Native American/Mexican.  Black and Tan.  Neither of them had ever shot with another woman so there was the initial awkwardness to overcome plus my own weirdness.  Trying to get two people to make shapes that compliment one another was terribly difficult, and I was fruitlessly trying to create some kind of narrative structure in pictures that just wasn't happening.  I sweat through my shirt from anxiety then fear.  I wanted to make something good, but I was fearful that I was making nothing worthwhile.  In the end, daunted to near collapse, resigned to failure, I gave up and told them to do whatever they wanted.  And it got better.

I'd over-thought the shoot, over-anticipated what I would do.  In truth, I think I was more curious to see what they would do.  Whatever.  When it was over, they had become friends and headed downtown to party together.  Of course, they did not ask me to come.

When they were gone, I was very tired and very relieved.  It was over.  It had been a long project, one I had no preparation for going in, only a new process with Polaroid film that nobody else knew how to do.  And now the film is gone.  There never were and never will be any pictures made like this again.  There is something.  There is that.

This morning I woke up happy thinking that I did not have to arrange any more shoots.  As much fun as it was, it was twice as stressful.  I am not a social person really, so doing all of this with strangers wore me out.

Still, there are a million hours of work to do to post-process all the images I have collected.  Models want their pictures, of course.  But I no longer have a moving finish line.  Every image I process now brings me closer to it.  I feel like I'm on vacation.

The image I am posting today is done with a digital camera.  Boy oh boy is that easy.  Comparatively.  But I have a feeling that I will shift gears toward the big old Ektar lens I bought but have not used yet, and it will be back to the more laborious processes.  In time.  For now, I just want to walk around and think about something else.  The robins are here visiting my neighborhood in the thousands.  Each morning they are crazy singers.  The oak trees are shedding their leaves in preparation for Spring buddings.  The sound of them falling is like rain.  And the azaleas are in riotous bloom.  The weather is warm.  Everything is inviting.