Endlessly

(photo by Sarah Moon)

I will make this a Sarah Moon website until I begin to make my own pictures again.  I am depressed and can do little but look at pictures and plan, dream. . . scheme.  I want to make photos again, but there is too much against it just now.  I have hundreds if not thousands of my own Polaroids from the project, but I fear to continue posting them over and over again.  Having worked so hard on them, I am as the orchard owner in Frost's "After Apple Picking," weary of the harvest I myself have so desired.  I have come to live repetitively, too sedentary and too much alone.  I will need to break from this lethargy before anything else can happen.  Did I mention fearful?  Yes, there is that, too.  And most of all, I fear plying my own paltry talents only to disappoint myself yet again.  I will attempt these Moon photographs because I love them and she seems not to be making them any more.

The weeks wear on endlessly, ceaselessly, running through me, more ravaging than they have been before.  I put up a weary defense, but I know the fruits of living defensively, always on your heels.  I must lean forward and step on the balls of my feet once again, dig in deep and drive.

I wish I could say this is only a time of contemplation and respite.  As always, though, who knows what a weekend might bring.