The Wisdom

I have put on much weight in the last two years, but it has recently really begun to show.  A combination of vile and pernicious conditions have conspired to waylay my good looks.  We'll overlook the inevitable slowing metabolism.  That's the given.  And of course the degeneration of the padding between disks that serve to shrink us, too.  Injuries abound, the knees and hips hurting most.  Torn tendons that scar and are never as strong again play their part.  But given all of that--it's the fucking job.  Stress and a tyranny of time management rob me every day so that each weekend I think I am beginning once again a new exercise regimen.  But this is not my point.

Having gained weight and not being happy about it, I knew that I would have to change my eating behavior if I was to get back to my original weight of eight pounds, eight ounces (and even at that, I was a chubby baby).  So I went on a diet, the high protein thing, the old Atkins diet that allows you to eat all the calories you want as long as they don't include carbohydrates.  I did that many, many years ago for a very long time.  It is boring, but after awhile your mind changes and you look at the carb eaters with disgust.  I used to get coffee every morning at the Dunkin' Donuts just to watch people eat.  I was in the Devil's Den and wasn't tempted as I watched those voluntarily marching to perdition.  I was staying lean.

Eggs and bacon for breakfast, sardines or fried chicken (peeling the skin, of course) for lunch, a one pound steak smothered in banana peppers for dinner.  And gallons of diet cola.

All of you who scoff must do your research.  It works in many ways.  You have to avoid complete ketosis of course, but studies done on people maintaining this diet were surprising.  They had lower bad cholesterol levels, great triglyceride levels, and were generally more healthy.

I had based my decision about this restricted diet on the look of the Masai tribesman of Africa whose diet consists of a mixture of cow's blood and milk and the occasional stewed meat.  Of course, there are plenty of carbohydrates in both blood and milk, so years later I opted for a milk diet.  I had been watching people around me spend lots of money on liquid diet drinks that I thought little of.  One day I looked at the nutritional label on one and it was milk with vitamins, minerals, and flavoring thrown in.  And it was expensive, too.  I calculated that if I drank a gallon of low fat milk every day and ate a normal meal at night, I'd be better off than they were and spending much less money.

All the while, I was able to work out every day at the gym, bang the heavy bag, play basketball twice a week, and run the rest.  With my buddies I climbed mountains, paddled kayaks, swam in rivers, etc.

Where in the hell did the time go?

But again, I've strayed from my point which is O.K. because it isn't much of a point at all.  Written out this way, the behavior looks obsessive enough to be in the same category as anorexia.  Except I was very healthy.

So this week, when I said at work that I was on a diet, I constantly heard the modern wisdom, "Diets don't work.  You can't just cut calories for awhile.  You have to change the way you live.  It is about being healthy, about maintaing a healthy life style. . . yada, yada, yada."  I got this from all camps, from those who are obsessively skinny to those who are perpetually overweight.  No matter, they were all imparting The Wisdom.

I was unable to maintain my diet this week.  I had too many lunches and dinners to attend.  And when I was out, I just forgot.  Sitting with the famous '60s activist, I realized that I'd been reaching around the table eating fried potatoes off everyone's plates as I drank beer and kept up my end of the conversation. "How long have I been doing that?" I pondered.  Then again yesterday at a luncheon.  Tonight I am going to a party with spectacular food.  All of that combined with The Wisdom has done me in.  Thusly, to the last person who lectured me about the difference between dieting and changing the way I live, I announced, "I don't care if I'm fat.  I'm going to be fat. I like being fat.  It is fun."

I'm not fat, but I may soon be.  It is just a matter of changing the way I live and the way I think.  That is the truly remarkable thing about being human.  You can always change your mind.