Jesus, I never know if I am on a right track. There is nothing for it but to go down and see. Maybe when you get to the end, it turns out rotten. Depends on how much time you've got for going back.
Rhonda is right, of course, when she asks, "Will penance really bring redemption?" And is it ever really redemption we are looking for? We just want not to take a beating.
Penance. I worked out in the morning doing the stadium steps for the first time since I wrecked my knee. It went O.K. A couple of hours later, I went to a yoga class. Redemption? Contrition.
But what ails me is that I've become too public. It is too easy to recognize me in my own home town. I've really been sloppy at hiding my trail, and I think some people at the factory are onto me. Not me, really, but they will never see it that way. Right now I am singing songs of the doomed.
Redemption. Contrition. Perhaps I will close down the site. It would be a relief in so many ways. The blog is a vanity of sorts. It is an alter ego, a faux-conscience, a revelation, a verity and a lie. Try it. Then you will see.
But even contrition will not bring redemption. No, no. . . Rhonda is correct in that. Only art will redeem, and only if it is fit. I am sure that my dailies are not so much.
Don't be surprised if I am gone very soon. Those of you who contact me will know where I go, you dozen or so who are immediate "friends."
Here is a picture of Red. She vexes me. But more of that later. Somewhere. Sometime.
I don't get it.
ReplyDeleteYou are not allowed to have a life outside the job in the big America?
You can't write what you want, or photograph what you want?
You act as if you are committing mortal sins on this blog.
While I think you are such a 'good boy', ridiculously 'good' even...
My guess is that you are just too paranoid...
And another guess, you can't stop the blog.
Not without falling in your catatonic state again very soon...
Come on, Selavy, fuck them!
XXX
Oh! Great photo, I love the pose!
ReplyDeleteI'm looking for redemption and actually thought I found it but it slipped away again...maybe more penance? I tried to be happy and selfish and the universe slapped me in the face...I must write it. I've posted more on my blog then I used to but haven't written, bared my soul and all that....I admire that about you and need your daily reminder of being human. Its the meds talking... :)
ReplyDeleterepent, evil man, repent.
ReplyDeletejesus still loves you, but just barely.
you know, he died for your sins...
but that was a long time ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D97OxHZzBeQ
ReplyDelete[the censored version....]
N, Jesus, you're going to have to see someone about this "America" thing. Categorical thinking and all of that. It is the same everywhere. I need to work and I need something else, too, and the two things don't really live together that well. Conflict. I'm a serious chicken now. I can't just say "fuck 'em" any more. Well, I can say it, but I can't do it. I mean I can still do it, but. . . . Thanks for the photo comment. It is much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteR, If you don't write it, what will you do with it? Writing it shapes it and makes it real. It gives you some control instead of none. Writing is a defense, you know. It is the truth and a lie, but it is real. Do it!
Q, Really, it is just fear and dread. It was only that and light was all it needed, and a certain cleanliness and order. It is all just nothing and man is a nothing too.
A, Well. . . I was going to post that today, but you beat me to it.
My shrink gave up on me.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine that here.
Like, oh my god, he is doing artistic photography in his spare time, let's fire him!
Unless 'he' is the president of some retarded religous political party, maybe.
Oh! We had a judge that got fired for things he did in his spare time though.
ReplyDeleteHe and his wife did SM. And he got fired for torturing her, and for letting her get tortured in a club, and for recieving money for that.
It didn't matter that she said she asked for that herself.
And I think that at least 2/3 of the Belgian people are very, very indignant that they fired him for this.
They made a film about it, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9HMnSJNDrY
Oh, they broadcasted the film on one of the big Flemish tv stations.
ReplyDeleteIn prime time, no censoring of any kind, heavy SM scenes and all.
The same everywhere you say, Selavy?
Maybe the same in 'American companies' 'everywhere'...
I know that one of my models, who has a modest job in an American company, is scared 'the boss' will find out that she has posed nude for photos...
I never heard that from any of the other models who work for Belgian companies!
I think around here pretty much everybody thinks that what a person does in his spare time is his own affair. As long as they do their job as it should.