Just A Little Crazy

I realized just this morning that I have become too much like the characters in my photographs, isolated, working to please people I don't like, a fragile but stoic individual stripped by an uncaring cosmos. . . yada, yada, yada.

Maybe I should change projects.  The carnival series is all but ready to begin.  But it, too, is dark and weird, not quite the bromide for this.  My other idea is to use measuring devices to determine people's criminal IQs shot in stark black and white.

My friend C.C. tells me I'm depressed, but I don't think he's factored in the anxiety.  I am full of it.  I leave for California on Thursday and I'm convinced that there is not possible way for me to be ready.  Thursday!  But things keep going wrong.  Yesterday lightning hit the house.  Now my television won't work.  It comes on, and so does the cable DVR, but they don't recognize one another which means hours of calls to the cable company and half a day waiting for a repairman.  The Jeep had to be moved as I am having my driveways redone, but the left rear tire was so flat it had come off the rim.  I called AAA yesterday and we got it put together.  I drove it to the tire store and it had lost most of its air within the mile drive.  They would not plug it, they said, because it was old and cracked, so I had them put air in it and drove it home.  I parked it in the street so that the gravel could be delivered today, but when I looked out the window a couple hours later, the rim was sitting on the road.  I will have to buy a new one, but that means at least two, quite an expense for a Jeep that barely runs and shouldn't be driven in its present condition.

At the gym two days ago, I saw in the mirror that my neck was bleeding.  I had no idea what had happened.  I wiped away the blood and could see a small wound.  The next day, it began bleeding again.  Today I can feel it and am convinced that it is something very bad.  But I don't have time to see a doctor.  I don't have a doctor that I see.  I know, I know, but. . . I don't know.  Everyone who goes to the doctor is sick.  They get treated for something.  They take medicine.  It is too much.

I have to go to work.  But what will I do about the Jeep?  When?  I still haven't booked a room or a car for Thursday.  My heart beats much too rapidly.  My hands shake.  I sweat.  My movements are herky-jerky.  There is much to be done, but here I sit.  I'm still not sure who will feed the cat.  She will go mad.  And what if I don't get the t.v. fixed before I go?  When I get home from California, I will want to watch television.  It will be dark, but I will not be tired.

Etc.

Just a little crazy.  Just a little.