Want

The sun beats through the window so that I can scarcely see the computer screen.  But I can clearly see the snail trails on the dirty windows the sun lights up.  It or they have been busy for sure.  It/they must have been at it all night long.  I look at the trails for some time wondering where they started and how they traveled as the trail crisscrosses over and over again.  I am an idiot, of course.  The snail/s started at the bottom of the window.  But that means there was an entire pack of snails.  Do they herd?  No, really, I'm an idiot.

But there--that is the state of things.  I shot in the studio last night after a full day at the factory, the first time I have been in there in a month.  And the shoot took forever.  The model was in no hurry at all.  So I drank too much on an empty stomach and then bought greasy fried chicken for a too-late meal which in turn forced me to stay up and drink more.  It is a vicious, stupid cycle.  And this morning I am muddled and tired and getting close to the state I was in before I went to California.  I have so much to do and no will to do it.  Factory life and fantasy life.  Killer combo.

Studio, street, or nature?  There are people who prefer each of them.  No real direction there.  No help at all.  But what did I expect?  Never ask someone what they think you should do.  It won't relieve you of the responsibility of choosing.  It only makes it worse.  As an ex-friend of mine once said, people don't know what they want.  If you know what you want, people will go along.  I've found that to be generally true.  And as my friend C.C. who got me into all of this told me, do what you want.  An audience will find you.  And that's been true as well.

I know what I want.  I know what I want. I'm just not going to get it.  And that might be just as well.  I used to pray for a shitty friend of mine to get what he wanted.  He wanted the most beautiful, worst blond in town.  It would have been very bad for him, I knew.  Please, God, I'd pray, let her like him.  Give him what he wants.  Grant him that.  But. . . you know how such prayers are answered.