All This Darkness

Originally Posted Saturday, November 9, 2013

My world is cluttered with objects I no longer see.  They have become part of the landscape.  I look at the sideboard in the dining room where I sit every morning as I write for this blog.  It is a mess of glass that has been placed there over time--by who?  Me?  The so-called maids?  There is a big candle on the floor beneath it and a--what do I call it?--a plaque of some sort that says "Welcome."  Three empty vases sit in the windowsill.  Just outside the arch that leads to the living room, a pile of framed pictures sits in front of a pile of books.  A framed photograph leans against the wall.  Beyond that, another table with an empty vase, a pile of books.  A candle holder that I do not like sits on a side table.  I have been blind.  I will decide what to do with all of that today.  It is not a sign of mental health, I think, to have such piles of unscrutinized things.  I shall scrutinize. 

All this darkness.  I came home from the gym at five last night.  I had not eaten all day, so there was no idea of finding someone who might want to go to dinner.  I had to cook.  I was finished eating by six.  The light was going, going. . . gone.  I poured a drink and began watching a movie.  I woke up.  Eight.  I tried another.  I woke up.  Ten.  I went to bed.  I woke up.  Seven.  How many hours does that add up to?  I am exhausted by something.  Perhaps it is the dark, though that is only a partial answer.  I have lost my focus, I feel.  I am pointless. 

I have a studio I do not use.  I just bought a printer that I only service.  I will force myself to buy some badly needed clothes today.  I need a rug for the kitchen.  I will get an early start.  I do not want to do these things but I have been afraid of my cameras.  I think of walking with them, of getting started, but I cannot bring myself to touch them.  I have ideas that I let rot on the vine.  I've been like this before, I think.  Is it the holiday season that is doing this?  Perhaps.  But it is more. 

I shall go into the world now.  It will, I feel, be horrible.