My "Aura"

Originally Posted Thursday, December 26, 2013

I came dangerously close to doing something today, but in the end I changed my mind.  Maybe I am simply exhausted.  That would make sense.  Maybe it is something I haven't comprehended yet.  That is likely, too.  My body is beat, my mind is mush.  Today I sat inside all day.  It went quickly.  I ate many of the Christmas gifts.  That is what I did mostly.  I decided to process some images since I haven't wanted to touch them for so long now.  There were a thousand chores I needed to do, so I thought I would work pictures for awhile and then get started.  But I never got started.  And then it was late afternoon, and all the things I'd thought to do I knew were not going to be done.  So I worked on pictures some more.  Then I thought I should go to the gym.  I am taking the week off, but I thought I would just see if I could jog a little on the treadmill and then do a bit on the elliptical machine like all the other girls do.  I put on my clothes and got in the car and drove down the road a ways before I thought that this was a stupid idea.  I went to Whole Foods instead.  I had a house full of food, but I wanted something else.  Something.  I wasn't sure what, so I walked up and down the aisles.  Hmm.  Blue corn chips sounded good, so I would need some salsa.  Edamame.  I stood before the frozen foods thinking about what I wanted to eat.  None of it appealed to me.  Another aisle.  Maybe I'd just get takeout.  I passed the sushi counter.  There it was--a combo tuna sushi/roll.  I picked up some soy sauce and headed for the door. 

Back home, I began to eat some more.  The phone rang.  First it was one friend, then another.  They wanted to know if I wished to do something tonight.  Nope, I said.  The two of them should do something.  I'm lazy, satisfied. . . down for the count.  I wonder why I don't have more friends?  Then my mother called.  She'd been out all day looking for a bed.  Her old bed is killing her, she said.  It seems to me that she goes through beds like shit through a Christmas goose.  She bought me a bed one time.  I still have it.  I asked her how much a bed cost.  Thousands of dollars, she said.  Jesus Christ, I said, that's a lot of money.  She was getting the whole thing including box springs.  Do you need box springs, I asked?  Sure, she said.  What for?  They hold the mattress up, she said.  Can't you just put a mattress on some slats, I asked?  I think they make beds like that.  She guessed one could.  My favorite mattresses in the world, I told her, were the ones I slept on in China.  They were very hard, every one I slept on no matter where.  I loved them.  I wish I could have one here, I said.  It was the only good thing about China.  I told her the story of my day and told her that I was probably just exhausted.  I told her that my friends had called and wanted to get together, but I didn't want to see anyone.  I am like that, I said.  She said that the longer you are alone, the harder it is to have people around.  I told her that I thought I might be a hermit.  I don't really need people around me.  She said she knew that about me, could feel it.  What?! I said in alarm.  Yes, she said.  It is my aura.  My mother actually used that term.  She said she had a friend, Stephane, who would get upset if she stood close to her desk.  I guess she was saying that I was like that, too.  I thought about it and said maybe.  Maybe I am. 

But I have lived with women most of my life.  My recent stint is the longest I have ever been alone.  My mother has put me on edge.  I am going to have to think about this and wonder.  I don't really want to spend my all my days like this. 

And in truth, most of the day I felt a dread because nobody had contacted me.  No emails, no calls, no responses to things I had sent out.  I kept checking to see if there was a malfunction  It was like being dead, I thought.  Gone and inconsequential.  Perhaps I am beyond being happy.  Perhaps I am unable to be content. 

I've tried and tried and tried to get Blogger to post this photograph decently, but it won't.  It jacks up the saturation, brightness, and contrast no matter what I do.  It is like that when you depend on someone or something else sometimes.  But maybe I should try to get used to it.

Soundtrack

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth

Only, I don't know how they got out, dear

Turn me back into the pet I was when we met

I was happier then with no mind-set

And if you took to me like a gull takes to the wind

Well, I'd 'a jumped from my trees

And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores 

And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries

Hope it's right when you die, old and bony

Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall

Never should have called 

But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely

And if you took to me like a gull takes to the wind

Well, I'd 'a jumped from my trees

And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores 

And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well

Godspeed, all the bakers at dawn

May they all cut their thumbs

And bleed into their buns 'til they melt away

I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find

Without a trust or flaming fields, am I too dumb to refine? 

And if you took to me like 

Well I'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores 

And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well