The Gollum

Originally Posted Sunday, December 29, 2013

Suddenly the dark blackness of physical and mental depression descend, and with it, high anxiety.  I just don't function.  I am paralyzed.  Everything conspires against me.  My internet is intermittent.  I've been on the phone with the telephone company that provides the service three times and have had three disappointing technical help sessions as they try to teach me how to become a telephone and internet repairman.  The real one will be here tomorrow, but for now, my service is terribly slow when it is working at all.  For many of my friends, it should be embarrassing how much I am reliant on the internet.  But I can't even stream Netflix, Hulu Plus.  And that is all I want to do.  Reread the first sentence.  Watching in the dark is my only comfort and defense.  The weather is terrible, warm and damp, the sort that encourages spores of all sorts.  I tried getting out of the house yesterday.  It was a disaster.  I wonder if I should even try again today or simply give into the awfulness and limit my movement to three or four rooms while I wait it out.  That, I think, may be prudent.  I am not sleeping well again and wake up at stupid hours.  I think I'll eat nothing but soups and teas.  What a horrible way to spend my time away from the factory.  I imagine going back and hearing about the wonderful holidays of others, of trips and gifts and adventures.  I will be a lead zeppelin in the room, hunched and crooked and glum, and will slink away from the gaiety like a Gollum. 

And just now, as I'm writing this, my internet fails again.  I quickly select all/save knowing that I will not have the energy to write any of this again.  Perhaps the outage, though, is god telling me not to post my miseries.  I am wretched enough to believe such things just now. The house creaks and pops in strange and ominous ways.  Disaster lurks around every corner.  What chemical has taken over me, I wonder.  Soups and teas may wash it away.  Yes, I will stay home today and watch t.v. and wait for this to pass.