Whatever Comes

I've been feeling like shit the past few days.  I think maybe I am about to have another bout of diverticulitis.  I didn't follow up with a doctor as I was told to at the emergency room last time, so I imagine much worse.  I have had an anxiety/depression bout over it and I am wondering if I will be gong to New Mexico at all.  I have gone internal and am in a shut down mode.  Life is outward.  Death is inward.  I've been wondering what I would do with all my files and printed pictures if I found out that death was near.  I think I would throw it all away.  It would take a long time.  You would not believe the incredible stack of prints in the studio--hundreds and hundreds of pounds of them.  They would take forever to burn.  I guess I'd just open up my studio doors and tell people to take whatever they wanted.  I'd delete the millions of files from my drives.  After that, I would just take to my house and deal. 

I have been foolish to spend so much time doing all of that.  I've gone back to the old blog and looked at the very start of it and gone slowly forward through the days.  It takes forever.  Some of those pictures are wonderful.  Then there was the other. 

If I am not dying, I am through with the project I have been working on.  I hope this will all pass, but I tell you, I feel like butt.  I'd rather feel well and go to N.M. and learn how to make those beautiful prints and drive around the old Route 66 a bit.  I look forward to that if I get well. 

Whatever comes, I am slowing down.  I have been driven like a madman.  My movements have become sudden and herky-jerky.  Whatever comes, the old madness is gone. 

Whatever comes.