Bella

Bella the cat passed away last night.  She was pretty old and had been feeling pretty bad for awhile.  I thought I was ready for the inevitable, but we are never ready for the inevitable.  She wanted to hang around with me yesterday morning.  She was sweet and sad.  In the afternoon, she lay on the porch.  Ili came home from a business trip late in the afternoon, and Bella was gone.  We sat on the deck and called for her.  Finally, she came around the corner of the house and looked at us with sad and tired eyes, then lay down in the jasmine where she stayed.  It did not look as if she would make it through the night.  We went to dinner and when we came home, she wasn't around.  She had done that thing that everyone has said to me that cats do.  She had gone away to die.

I stood on the deck and cried for about an hour, maybe longer, big giant waves of convulsions.  I just thought about her remembering everything.

When I got up this morning, of course, I went out to look for her, but she is really gone.  It saddens me to think of her lying on the ground somewhere.  I will look for her this morning, but from what I'm told, I probably won't find her.

The house seems different today, not as alive, just an inanimate structure.

I am different this morning, something more than sad.  It is beautiful outside.  I keep looking for her to walk onto the deck with that shithead look she had.

Fuck me.