Hunger

I've regained my appetite, and I guess that is a good sign, but it is not good.  I was losing weight.  Grief weight, I guess.  But I am getting hungry.  Maybe it is all the yard work I've been doing.  I've been weeding the yard which means doing hundreds--if not thousands--of weightless deadlifts and squats.  Today I went for a run.  I can't run anymore, but I can do the old man trot to a certain extent.  I almost made my first non-stop half mile since the accident today.  Next time, I will complete it.  I ended up running 1.5 miles and walking one.  So maybe that gave me some hunger, too.

After running and weeding and spreading the weed and feed and showering, I wanted huevos rancheros.  I Googled "huevos rancheros near me," and found a Mexican restaurant I don't like in a chi-chi part of town that served them all day.  What the hell.  It was only half a mile from my home.  So I ordered a margarita on the rocks and the huevos.  The margarita was ok, the rancheros not.  It was greasy and the eggs somehow were both under and over cooked.  I guess that is a feat in itself.  I ate the chips and salsa, too, though the salsa was only a notch above hideous.  But I ate and drank, then went home for a two hour nap.

When I got up, I went through my mail with a drink.  It was mid-afternoon, but again, what the hell, I thought, it is the weekend and I am almost retired.  I might as well do what I want.

I had stopped by the AAA a couple days ago and got maps and and an atlas.  I looked through them plotting out potential routes.  It was something like olden times.

Then I called Old Mom.  I decided to go over and visit with her.  We talked and laughed for about an hour.  Good for her, good for me.

And then I was hungry.  I was only going to make a small meal, but I went to the grocery store on my way home and went a little nuts.  I ended up making a full meal with beef and broccoli and rice.

And wine.

For now, I have switched over to G&Ts.  I don't know why.  I just have.

My buddy in Seattle sent me this.

Oh, yes.  Chocolate and scotch might be good tonight.  

I'm just telling you in my own way that I am feeling better today.  I don't know if there is hope, but there is possibility.  

But Jesus. . . if there IS hope, I hope that I don't start putting weight back on.