No Candy, No Cherubs

Saturday!  She wants to shoot on Saturday!  I have so much to do to make that happen.  

But let's back up.  

I had to take my mother to the ortho at one o'clock yesterday.  That meant my day was split.  I went to my house after cooking breakfast for us to take a long walk.  Soaked and showered.  By then, it was time to go back to my mother's.  

We got to the doc's on time.  Never saw the doctor, though.  A minion came in and cut off my mother's cast.  Then they took her for X-rays.  The PA came in, put up the images and said everything looked good.  See you in two months.  She left the room and another minion brought in a removable brace.  My mother is supposed to wean herself from it over time.  Then we got the boot.

WTF?  

I brought my mother home and did some necessities for her.  I left the house at three and went in search of plain camisoles and slips.  I stopped at three stores and two vintage shops.  Nada.  Zip.  Bagel.  

What happened?  I used to be able to just run to Target and get such things easily and cheap back when I had the studio.  

I went back to my house.  I still needed to remember/learn how to use the strobes again.  I have forgotten everything.  It is all stressful, all work.  I set up stands, put up strobes, set a radio trigger, put on different diffusers and boxes, then got a camera.  It worked. . . sort of.  I still have problems to resolve.  

She is excited.  I've worn myself out.  I'm sick with it.  

I don't want to be a photographer anymore.  

So I say.  

"You'll be great. . . no worries."

I have no idea what she thinks we are going to do.  

My brain is boiling.  I can't sleep.  Up at 4:30.  Why?  There is nothing I can do at 4:30 in the morning!

I make coffee.  When I go to pour it, something has gone wrong.  The coffee is everywhere.  Symbolic, I wonder?  An omen?  

It is Valentine's Day, but I have no Valentine.  Anybody I have ever loved is in love with somebody else.  I thought to make a Valentine's card to put here as I did last year, but what's the point?  I could.  I could make one with a big red broken heart.  

But that is stupid and too much trouble.  I need to spend my time worrying.  My hands shake, my mind wanders and jumps.  I have a shoot on Sunday, too, way out of town.  I don't care so much, though.  I will never have to see her afterwards.  The Saturday girl. . . I don't want to disappoint her.  

But the deck seems stacked.  

Why am I so stupid?  

I will be very busy today.  

Shit--I'd better get my mother some flowers and a card straight away.  It's O.K.  I can do that.  Before anything else.  

I need a fainting couch.  A divan.  But where would I keep it?  You know what I really need?  

Ha!

I'd better get busy.  I'm not as quick as I used to be.  

And I was never any good at Valentine's Day.