To Hide My Dirty Little Secrets

I feel like poop this morning.  I think I might be getting "it," whatever "it" is going around.  I just want to go home and rest, but that is going to be impossible.  There is another little league wrestling event tonight that I won't be able to attend.  My mother's wrist is getting better, but the rest of her is in decline.  She is not functioning well physically or cognitively.  She is beginning to see things that aren't there, she told me last night.  She is getting very, very confused and can't do much on her own.  

My own life is in the shitter, whatever life that has become.  

"How's your mom?" someone will ask.  That is really all they ask now.  

"One of us is going to get rat poison," I say.  "I just haven't decided which one of us yet."  

I don't blame people.  I won't say "of course."  I just don't.  There must be some reason for people to want to be around you.  People are under no obligation.  My life is no longer attractive, or, I should say, has lost its attraction.  My life, indeed, has been great.  Now. . . . 

Not so much.  

And my only pleasures seem to rub people the wrong way.  Such are the times, I guess.  I think about ending the whining mew of this blog, but I know I can't stop writing, so I think to write about anything but my life and interests.  I need to pull a topic out of a hat and begin my essay.  

But how can I compete?  This is not my job.  I don't make my livelihood this way.  I don't have a week to come write an article.  The daily post is not very often completely thought out.  And so. 

I'm probably not going to be making any photos for awhile, either.  We are not living in a permissive age.  Anything but, really.  It is the Age of Outrage.  Pick a side.  

FUCK TRUMP!

I think that is going to be the more popular side by summer.  It may not matter, though.  It seems he will be able to do whatever he wants.  He will likely pull it off.  He is getting away with everything.  It is all just coming too quickly.  There is so much of it, no one can remember what happened yesterday.  It is impossible to keep up.  

We will all pay the price.  

In the meanwhile, I have too many personal decisions to make, grave decisions of terrible consequence.  

And so, I think, I will spare you the journey down whatever path I am going to need to take.  How I will do that is still a mystery to me.  But I needn't add to the burdens of either of my readers, neither Google Admin nor the other one.

My life must become my own dirty little secret.  I'll not give it all away anymore.  I will not allow myself to be judged.

Perhaps I will learn to write as my mother speaks.  

"The trees are losing their leaves.  I think that squirrel wants me to feed him.  The lizards are becoming active.  We'll see those black snakes soon.  People are starting to walk in the neighborhood again.  It's staying light longer.  That's good."

I will try.  It's going to take practice.